| I know not what in my Faith believes, I know I have Faith |
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| 09:07pm 07/02/2009 |
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mood:  melancholy
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Faith, smooth my trails as if water in simple path and grant me safe journey & hope to finish for I still wander crooked roads, walking along what I call myHome, my baggage gathered such burdens whilst solitary trave ls I shan't any will left to hold myself up if I carry them much farther alone. Please Spirit of Love and Soul of Compassionate Overflow, such luck you have given me throughout my days of wreckless hope and irresponsibility to have seeded such doubless faith in the Tao that I keep walk these paths content with whats given but with hope inside vibrations I call out to what is and know I shall be safe, but it never hurts to ask. |
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| Maybe it ain't all so messed up |
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| 09:05pm 15/10/2008 |
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mood:  contemplative
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This is a little bit of a read but it's well worth it.
I wrote this in an old journal when I was fourteen years old, before everything, before everyone, when my life consisted only of my one first love of living flesh and my always eternal love, a gift of imagination for creation in any form of expression..... before I believed they were painfully torn from me. Decieved I had been that young, too niave to know no one can take anything away from who you are except for you. Unknowing of this, I grew yearning for what I thought had been left empty inside me, and by doing so i neglected and i abused and i tortured myself untill I what was left was withered and so easily I had thrown it away. Possessing so much insight into ones self but left without the ability to learn how too affect it seems like such a waste.
Hopefully for those reading this little tidbit of a child's simple self observation written by what had once existed within me will stir a positive vibe through suggesting to aquire knowledge of an honest understanding of ones self.
Throught honesty is understanding, learning why.
when understood why, questions make sense, answers come easily
and when you honestly understand why, you are secure with you answer and there is no need to question anymore. With understanding comes acceptance of the answer, epiphany to it's flexibility and finally your discovery to it's infinate changing possibilities affected by your next choice. You'll always know that you'll be okay if you let yourself. somewhere inside there you know all the parts of the decisions you make and where your choices come from, your subconscous can be consciously guided.
Although I knew somewhat my path ahead of me I never made that choice to change my decisions, I wanted to understand those other people's "why" that nobody normal seemed to know. In the end, although the path and choices identical, my reasons 'why' behind everything remain innocently unfaltered and very very different. Was it a waste? We'll see, but I believe nothing ever is.
So now returning to the point that I so greatly spun-away from for a extended minute, once you understand it's a step ahead, but the information is useless unless you use it. I'm hoping these honest unaltered thoughts of mine so young will be useful to someone if not maybe myself again.
It doesn't hurt to be a failure anymore, I believe in my 'why' and besides, I know now I don't have to be a failure forevermore.
Here goes:::
..
....05:09pm 10/03/2003.. ..
me tinx i underestimate myself quite alot
me tinx i let myself underestimate myself quite alot
I let myself hold myself baq
quite odd that i understand what im doing, yet i let myself continue this harsh abrasive mindset pull me down into this odd little spiral i watch myself spin
Like I tie shackle to my own leg, and let the ball drop
It's quite fun u see
not letting myself free
That way I have an excuse for when I'm hurt
it's just not the best excuse in the world
I'll always find an excuse, cause I'll never let it be my fault
I know it's my fault but I don't believe it, ya know?
denile is a fun thing
that way im never wrong
I've gotta stop tinking the way i tinx, but it just lets me do these things I wouldnt do if I was to change my mindset
things I wouldn't miss
or would i?
I just wish I could clasp the clouds and rip open the sky, grasp god's 'perfect' hand and demand to know why.
Pull him down to the world, open his eyes to see what he knows "Take a look god" then I'll watch his eyes close. "See what I see? You haven't just foresaken me. The rest of it's falling, calling, crawling on it's hands and it's knees" But maybe God's not all that bad, maybe he's not the reason and to whom I should be mad. Maybe he'll open his holy mouth to tell me the truth "It's not all my fault, this problem's yours too. Don't blame me for your dying, your crying, your sighing. You did it yourself and your roots you should find. It's all in your head, from your thought in your mind. I only just created mankind, you should go out and you should find your own way and your own views, if you want to you can pick and you can choose. Let yourself go or hold yourself back, you can cause all your pain and make the whip crack or just release your grip, let go of this trip, let the whip fall and let the tears drip.
"
God's advice would hit me hard, but i still can feel this mental retard.
I refuse to listen to my own words.
I refuse to listen, as most people do, most people don't hear, but I can pick and I choose. I hate what I choose and I won't let it go. I don't know what I refuse, I don't know if I want to know. It's all based on good energy to help flow, but so many don't listen, I know and it shows. Against something beautiful, death, pain, crime, in the name from what others have done for it. I aimed away with my arrow I shot away arrow and my arrow still has not missed it. From my views this is what I see to be, He is dead this story I create in my head. But maybe my head isn't that all messed up inside, I just mix up the peices and spit them at our species, I choose to let my energy recede with the tide.
but
with all of this
I will still always love
and I'll never let love go .. |
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| Truth that hath be completed |
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| 01:39pm 13/06/2005 |
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mood:  determined music: Nine Inch Nails - [with teeth] - With Teeth
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I give everyone chances over and over and over.
I'll will always hate you
all of you
None of you deserve my presence,
until you see that truth
I'll always think you should die a horrendous death
Have fun!
I still hate you
-Me |
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| all of you are ugly sluts |
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| 07:40pm 04/03/2005 |
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mood: determined music: Nine INch Nails - Reptile
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Go play with your pretty hair, why worry though? Isn't it going to be covered with cum when the night is over? Or 10 AM or whenever you get picked up.
Don't put on your eyeliner on the bus, you might poke your eye. Sorry it's your only mode of transportation, maybe you should raise your prices to get a used car, although everyone says they deserve a discount from you.
Lipstick is useless in your line of living, It'll come off in the next 5 minutes anyway. Back-alley whore.
YOU BACK-ALLEY WHORE FUCKING WHORE FUCKING slice your neck and watch me embellish over your tears, yes. Watch you,with glee, crying in pain and to feel through your blood your hell ridden soul fall through the floor. You stupid whore.I can't wait to watch you cry. I can't wait to watch you die. Slither down like the snake you are.
fucking whore.
drug ridden whore.
I can't wait to kill you.
whore. |
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| You all deserve to die |
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| 01:55am 01/02/2005 |
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mood:  pissed off music: 5F_55 - 4C2E_492E_532E_41
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Each and every one of you pitiful pathetic losers. Learn to grow up, accept your faults and everything you do wrong. It's all your fault and get over it.
Life is dank, go live it.
Just shut the fuck up
and deal with shit.
You guys and your fucking problems.
Don't come whining to me, I'm sick of it.
I can't do shit for you if you don't listen to me,
you hear me, you do
BUT YOU DON'T FOLLOW THROUGH
YOU STUPID STUPID PATHETIC DRAMA FUCKS
Do you know what shit and drama is happening in my life?
and what do I do about it?
deal with it and don't ask you for advice I can find on my own
You all know the answers you just don't listen
You're too fucking lazy to leave the past
Too fucking scared
All of you are pussies
Addictive, obsessive pussies
Wait your turn, then go out and get it
but even then you have to wait in line.
Shit takes time mutha fuckas
Shit takes time.
Calm down before I blow your brains out you dramatic pieces of shit.
Depressed emo fucks
All of you reading this, get the fuck over it.
I know I'm having a problem getting the fuck over you guys,
but at least I'm doing something to try and solve a little bit of the problem
If I were there I would slap you upside your big ass head
and kick some knowledge into your asshole |
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| I will KILL you |
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| 10:27am 27/12/2004 |
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mood: predatory music: Nine Inch Nails - Closer To God - Heresy (Blind)
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Jealousy swarms
I hate you
I hate you with a passion
Someday soon, you will be murdered
'Your god is dead
and no one cares
if there is a Hell
i'll see you there'
JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS JEALOUSY SWARMS
the one thing left that made me happy
You're dirtier than me
My vengance will soon be your udder disgusting pain
I'll fuck you until your holes are one and you scream out in pain you ever horrid WHORE
My anger is soon your fate
I hate I hate I hate I hate
The one good thing left you swarm
i swarm my killing time my killing pills my murderous attempts
all over your infected genitalia
you slut
you ugly ugly slut
I took my seroqul over you
I have nothing left now
I do not fear my prison term soon to come after I'm caught with your blood all over my hands and your guts hanging from your ceiling, choking you as you're still alive. I laugh murderously over your slow death. I have no feeling but the warm fuzzy kind when I think of over-killing you with extensive creativity. Stabbing and ripping apart your dead body after torturing you for days then finally killing you by your own demise
you depressed little bitch
don't watch your back, it's easier that way
cause in anyway i will end up getting what I want
I just prefer it'd be easier so I don't waste my time on you
Never the time though...
nevermind
Forget me
I won't need it soon
Doesn't matter in prison
Prison will be worth this everyday
Killing spree
I'm prepared for all those I wish to die, to die by my hands
All who hurt me, I am tired.
All of you exausted me.
I will kill again
It will be better than last time
I hate you all
You all deserve to slowly die in creative ways
I'm sure my dog likes people's blood, munchin on your liver
yum
....while you're still awake
I shake in giddy
I smile in pain
I'll kill you guys
and you'll hate me for it
don't worry
I hate you too |
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| Why did you? I knew I was never worth it. |
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| 01:46pm 02/12/2004 |
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mood:  lethargic music: Nine Inch Nails - The Downward Spiral - Hurt
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I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feeling disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
-Trent Reznor
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| 06:36pm 10/11/2004 |
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I never have time for anything, even you
my lovely journal,
even you |
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| 07:22pm 24/10/2004 |
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Jesus thinks you're a lazy shit. Even if He wanted
to hang out with you (which He doesn't) He
knows that He'd have to come over to your
house, which probably smells funny. It's too
bad Jesus is omnicient and can find his own
weed connection, Cause that's about all you
have going for you.
What does Jesus think of you?
brought to you by Quizilla |
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| This is how you make love |
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| 12:21pm 19/10/2004 |
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My boyfriend has been working long hours and is rarely in contact with me, we got into a fight and he was thrown out of my house.
I'm confused. |
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| i know you all love me, all of you |
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| 01:34pm 10/10/2004 |
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mood: remembrance music: koRn - A.D.I.D.A.S.
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"i am sure boy would love to marry you,
shit i would
if i wasnt an asshole and stoped talk'n to you so long ago,
but what ever i dont blame the guess at all,
your a great girl i am glad that i had a chance to meet you,
dont tell no one this but i really cared about you
the only reason i stop with you was my dad,
and after you i guess it fucked me up
and i been throw too many girls and all i wanted was the sex,
i know i am an asshole for that "
nice grammar sammy-boi
</center> |
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| 06:46pm 08/10/2004 |
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mood: moody music: i make the drugs feel special
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all these presidents are so old
look at him, stare at these guys
so old
so
old
Our lives are run by the elderly, yet the younger are none the wiser |
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| happening |
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| 02:14pm 04/10/2004 |
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mood: annoyed
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*************1 (14:15:36): can you hook up?
c0nc0xionalland (14:16:12): No
c0nc0xionalland (14:16:15): I'm out of the tweek world
*************1 (14:16:16) has signed off
Who are your friends?
*************1 (8:45:13): hey whats up
c0nc0xionalland (8:45:25): hey
c0nc0xionalland (8:45:47): am i just drug finding friend?
*************1 (8:46:06): lol
*************1 (8:46:20): that would be the case, but you dont know where its at
*************1(8:46:30): *************1 is no longer signed on. |
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| Secular Secrets |
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| 08:44am 29/09/2004 |
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mood:  creative
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They make my head feel better
it’s easier to ignore
drugsI love it when the drugs I love it when the d rugsyeah, your drugs
NOall life drugs lifedrugs
NO life all dead all life is drugs
drugs
sex death drugs rockinsex death drugs dreamin
sex death drugs fuckin
drug me up
drug me up
fucker drug me up
drug me up
lover drug me drugme drugme
forever
stick the needle In
smack me like blackI love it when the drugs
I love it when the drugs
flo w drugsflo w
drugs
i loveyou drugs
i love you drugs
Infect me with your sickness
I don't care
it makes my head sick
It makes my veins itch I love it when the DRUGS suck up
I love drugs drug me up
fuckerdrug me up
lover |
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| 03:17pm 18/09/2004 |
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mood: crappy music: The music in my head I cannot hear
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BuddyHollygreasr:: you wripped me apart heidi and nothing can take that away and all you do about it is throw it all back at me like it was all my fault and that is fucking bullshit it was you to. you are not some fucking angel that none of the problems is your fault. I thought you were that angel that was sent to me that the one that i would lose and gain everthing from in my lifetime but i guess i was wrong you're not. |
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| freakfest crazy |
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| 11:52am 15/09/2004 |
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mood:  nervous music: Lion King 1/2
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2 in the morning CRAZYfest
yet
where is eric? he's been gone since 8:45 pm last night
it's 12 pm now
:::update:::
he came home at 6 AM that morning
I missed him
he came back then we fought
and we went to a buddy's house and drank and smoked and he fought cause i smoked
broke up with me
i am a bad girlfriend
he's kinda a good boyfriend
gotta work out some big ass kinks
i gotta make sure i know how to be a good girlfriend
for long term relationships
i miss people
i guess we are still officially broken up
but it doesn't seem like that
i need to keep drinking to clean my system
if anyone wants to help and contribute, be my guest
wait, nobody reads this journal heh
so no extra beer for me |
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c0nc0xionalland's journal
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